Manchaca UMC

Lesson 3: Grief must be witnessed

This past week I had chance to share with pastors who will be moving to new Methodist churches on July 1. A year ago I sat in their place. One of the things I chose to talk with them about was the grief you experience when you change churches. One could cynically suggest that I was using them to do my own therapy. One might not be far off. I prefer to think that I shared about my grief (and the congregation’s as well) to help. I wanted to help them be alert to the presence of grief. But I also was helping myself as I shared. This points to today’s lesson: in the words of David Kessler, “ Grief must be witnessed.” Grief must have a public as well as a private dimension for us to find meaning in grief. There is a maxim in counseling that says, “ What is unshared is unhealed.” I have found that to be true. To find healing we must have someone to be present to the pain of our loss. We must share. They must bear witness. In doing so both parties experience help. In the Western world we are better at private grief than we are at public grief. From ancient times civilizations have known that both are needed. Some scholars estimate that more than half of the psalms are actually laments- public prayers of grief. An entire book of the Bible is called Lamentations.

However, let me caution you not to judge yourself or others for grieving quietly. Some people are quiet grievers by nature and for others, it is too early to make their grief public. Loss tempts us to judge how others grieve. Resist that temptation! Also we are tempted judge the significance of our loss or another’s loss; doubting that it merits the grief. “If the love is real, the grief is real,” says Kessler.

We can allow others to witness our grief by telling stories of what and who we have lost. I often get to experience this witness when I sit to plan funerals with the grieving family. I invite and encourage them to tell stories of the loved one.

They witness by telling the stories and I witness by listening to them. One way we can be a witness to another’s grief is to invite them to tell stories of the loved one and then truly listen as they share. Often we wrongly assume those in grief do not want to talk about the one they have lost.

I read recently that the oldest man made structure in the world was discovered in Turkey. And it wasn’t a house; it was a monument built on an ancient burial ground. Thousands of years ago our ancestors knew the power of sharing grief. Today’s Memorial Day observances also point to that power. 

The power remains. Kessler observes that if we grieve well, one day the mention of your loss will “ bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye.” May it be so.

-David

** David Kessler, Finding Meaning in Grief