Manchaca UMC

Lesson 2: Grief is complicated

I can still remember the scene from a funeral home years ago where I was officiating a service. When it came time to leave for the graveside service the widow climbed into the open casket and refused to leave her deceased husband. I learned a valuable lesson that day: grief is complicated. A number of factors can complicate grief. I wish to discuss two of them. First of all grief is complicated by prior losses. The widow had only recently experienced the loss of her mother, with whom she was very close. I think of King David’s great grief at the loss of his son, Absalom (II Samuel 18:33). Prior to this loss David had lost a bride, a best friend, a baby, and his daughter had been raped. This rape led to Absalom murdering another son of David. He had seen many losses. Every loss in life is significant and every loss calls to mind the other losses including those memories which are still unhealed. Secondly, the circumstances of the loss complicate grief. The widow had recently had a painful argument with her husband which had resulted in both of them saying mean things to the other. Sadly those mean words were the last words they would ever speak to each other because the husband would later that day die in accident. Counselors call this type of circumstance “unfinished business”. David’s unfinished business included the fact that his son was leading a rebellion against him at the time of the son’s death.

May I offer a few suggestions to help with our complicated grief? To begin with, try not to let your loss multiply into other losses by being inattentive to your grief. You have lost a loved one; don’t lose yourself as well. Don’t carry around a backpack of regret for the rest of your life. The weight of that regret will eventually take its toll on you. So I suggest that we take care of our unfinished business while we can. Grief expert David Kessler says, “I never lose an opportunity to tell someone that I love them and what they mean to me.” Say “I love you.” Say “I’m sorry.” Say it while you can. Also, practice forgiveness. We need to forgive the one whose death has left us hurt and lonely. We need to forgive ourselves for mistakes we may have made in the relationship. Remember most people, us included, are doing the best they can. Remember that ultimately forgiveness is something that actually benefits the one who forgives. Remember that a person does not have to be around for us to forgive them. Lastly, remember that unforgiveness does not stop our pain; it spreads it (Gerald Sittser)!

There is an old Chinese proverb which asks: when is the best time to plant a tree? Answer: “twenty years ago.” When is the next best time to plant? Answer: “Now!” Today is the best day to uncomplicate our grief by forgiving ourselves and others.

~David